I am in contact with several men who are in various stages in their journey out of a life that is dominated by SSA. As I talk with them, I frequently find myself using what God has done in my life to encourage them in their struggle. While each person’s experience is unique, insofar as where they are and what specific issues they are dealing with now, there are principles, both spiritual and psychological, that are applicable to anyone seeking to overcome a dominating life issue.

I like to use the following analogy to help people understand how God often works as He brings about the changes that He and they both want. I ask them to view who they are as a house that they have constructed over the course of their life. When we decide to turn from our old way of living and come to God, we bring this house we have built with us, we acknowledge that it needs “remodeling,” and we ask God to begin the needed repairs.

If you have ever done any remodeling yourself, you know the first step is the tearing down of the old structure to make room for what is going to replace it. It’s called “demo,” short for demolition, by contractors who do this type of work. In everyday life, demo can be a lot of fun. I have done it several times, and there is just something about taking a sledgehammer to something and pulverizing it that I find very satisfying. However, when it is applied to someone’s life, that is a different story. It is at this stage of the process of change that many begin to have second thoughts, and either “cancel” the project completely or drastically scale back what they will allow God to do.

When I came into the live-in program at New Hope, I was at the lowest point in my life, both emotionally and spiritually, that I had ever been. I knew that I was a wreck and desperately wanted things to change. I had upended my life to come to New Hope and so had everyone else who was part of my program year. My attitude was, “Just tell me what you want me do, and I’ll do it, no questions asked.” I was amazed to find that not everyone had the same attitude that I did. Once the program started, and they began to see what was being required of them, they began to balk. Some began to question if things were really that bad, wondering whether maybe all that was really needed to make things right was a fresh coat of paint, or just patching a few holes, and all would be good. The problem with thinking like that is that it does not acknowledge the fact that God wants to “build” us into a temple for His presence, and anything that He has not built is not fit for that purpose.

That is the first lesson we need to learn: what we want God to do and what He wants to do oftentimes are radically different. We tend to focus on how we can be comfortable here in this life, and His focus is on eternity. This speaks to our motivation. Why we do something is often as important as what we do.

As I said, when I came to New Hope, it was really a decision born out of desperation. I had prayed for years that God would take away my desires, yet nothing changed. Indeed, things only got worse. While I was sincere in wanting to change, my expectations as to how that would happen were based ignorance on what the root causes of SSA are. One of first things He showed me was I did not want to change, rather, what I wanted was to be changed. I wanted God to come in and deliver me from my attractions. When it became clear that was not what was going to happen, I had a choice to make. Was I willing to allow God to do what needed to be done? I remember the night I told God, “Whatever needs to be done, do it, just give me the grace to see it through.” It was at that point that God really started to work.

Revelation about our lives is part of that work.  I think one of the most common misconceptions about people who deal with SSA is that we “became” gay when we entered puberty. The reality is that puberty was when what was already there became visible. As I always say, being same sex attracted is not the problem, and that there is more to being “gay” than the sexual aspect. The root issue is how we view ourselves in relation to others of our same gender. Every man I have ever met who deals with SSA has said, “I cannot remember a time that I did not feel different from other males.” Usually “different” is defined as “less than” other males. That sense of difference influenced how we related to our peers. This caused us to withdraw, at least emotionally, from the normal social interactions common to our gender from an early age. For example, that meant most of us did not play sports, and as a result missed out on the comradery that comes from being part of a team. The early years before puberty normally are a time of learning how we compare to others through being around our peers. We come to understand that while we are different, there is more that we have in common. Our sense of who we are is developed over the course of many years, so it should not come as a surprise that changing that sense will also take years. Thus, leaving homosexuality is a process, and we need to recognize that and be comfortable with it, because it is not going to be any other way. To return to the analogy of being a house, I believe that going through this process is what 必利勁
is required to lay a strong foundation. The reality of life in Christ is that whatever is built will be tested, and if the foundation is not laid well, the house will not stand the test.

If you are going to remodel something or even build it from the ground up, the first step in the process is planning out what you are going to do step by step. It is at this point that detailed plans are drawn up, often by architects, showing what the finished product is going to be. It will contain what materials will be used, what quantity will be needed. Every phase of the project will be documented, from the demo to the last coat of paint. This is done so that anyone who is working on the project can look at them and know what to do next.

Let me share an experience I had with God years before I came into the program.

When I was in the Navy, I was stationed at the Naval Weapons Center, China Lake. It is on the eastern side of the Sierras, on Hwy 395   I started to attend a church that was charismatic, and it was there that I was introduced to the concept that God wanted to have a personal relationship with me. I was honest with them about my attractions, and yet they accepted and welcomed me. One of the pastors and his wife really took me under their wing, as it were, opening their home to me. I would often do yard work for Barney, as he worked full-time and did full-time pastoring. One afternoon, I had flooded a raised flower bed in order to soften the ground to pull the Bermuda grass that was growing in it. As I was working on my knees, I was also praying to God about my SSA. At one point I became very emotional and started to cry. I had grabbed the grass with both hands as I told God, “I don’t care what you have to do, just take this from me.” As I said that I pulled up a huge clod of dirt, held together by the roots of the grass. I looked down at the hole it left, and as I did the Lord spoke to me saying, “That is what I would have to do to you, if I did to you, what you want me to, the way you want me to do it.” I understand now that this experience was meant to encourage me to trust God fully, but at the time I was unable to see past the pain my attractions created in me.

One of the most difficult lessons that I have had to learn in my walk with God, is to do what Proverbs 3:5 says to do: Quit trying to figure things out and simply trust Him. When I came into the program, there were issues in my life that I wanted to prioritize when it came to the changes that I wanted God to make. I was not alone, and it was a source of frustration for many of us when God started to work on other areas of our lives, seemingly ignoring our prayers to start dealing with what we felt was of犀利士
first importance.

To my amazement, one of the top priorities God had for me was to change how I expressed myself verbally to others. I prefer you to just come out and say what you want to say rather than beat around the bush. Predictably, that is how I would treat others. Almost from day one, I was constantly being called out by others in the house for how I spoke. I can remember going to God and saying something along the lines of, “What does how I speak to others have anything to do with why that I came here? I came to lose my attractions to other men, not to learn to be Miss Manners!”

As a result of the constant feedback to me, I   learned to stop and rephrase what I was going to say so that the person I was speaking to could receive it. Once I became a house leader and had to speak into the lives of men, many of whom were deeply hurt by those in authority over them, I understood why God had done what He did. I was much more effective as a house leader as a result of what He taught me. As a bonus, a great deal of the growth in my own life came about as a result of God using me to minister to others.

The principle I am trying to highlight through everything that I have written is this: We need to let God set the agenda and the timing in order for Him to bring about the deep changes that need to occur in us, in order to grow out of SSA. He is the architect that has the master plan. The reality is that because of the deep wounding and shame that many of us bring with us to God, we simply cannot see the forest for the trees, as it were. When I came into the program and my life started to change dramatically for the better, I began to berate myself for not doing it earlier. My perspective changed. As I watched others in the house begin to refuse to do what was required of them, I realized that they had not been brought to the point of complete brokenness, willing to surrender control of their lives completely to God, as I had been. I also realized that, had I come any earlier, I probably would be responding the same way they were. As I looked back over my life, I began to see how God had been working in me through everything that I had experienced, to loosen the deep roots of sin, shame, and self-hatred, so that when I finally came to the end of myself, He could bring about the change we both wanted, without leaving a gaping hole in my soul and spirit. In the darkest time in my life, when I could not see anything good happening, He was working to prepare me for what He had in store for me, years down the road.

I want to briefly share one more principle that I feel is important to practice when it comes to allowing God to do what He wants to do in your life. I confess that it is one that I still really, really struggle with even to this day. It is best summed up by Ecclesiastes 5:1-2, which says: “Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.”

I am not knocking the importance of prayer, as it is a vital link with God. What I am saying is, that for those of us who are attempting to change deep-seated desires, we need to learn first to listen. As I have said, He will often begin to do things that, to the natural man, simply make no sense. Many times, I have missed what God was trying to do, because I was not paying attention to what the Spirit was saying to me. Thankfully, it does not mean that He allows us to lose out on what He is doing. But there have been many times that I have had to pull myself out of the rabbit hole I went down and start over on the path that I was meant to follow. We can save ourselves a lot of lost time if we learn to really listen to what God is saying to us before we act.

The main difference is that TO change requires action on my part, or perhaps saying that it requires my cooperation is a more accurate way of phrasing it. To BE changed requires neither my action nor my cooperation. What I discovered was, while my desire to change was genuine, what I really was expecting was for God to touch me on the top of my pointed little head and proclaim, “Be thou heterosexual.” I would, from that moment forward, no longer be attracted to men, but to women. I was ignorant of the fact that being attracted sexually to men is really a symptom of a deep-seated brokenness.

While there are common experiences that men who develop SSA share, there are also things that are unique to each individual, so there is no cookie cutter way that addresses everyone’s need. I do believe, however, there are principles or heart attitudes that are critical for those who seek to change their attractions to embrace, if they are to be successful. This is true for anyone who is attempting to change any life-dominating problem, not just SSA. I am going to share what, for me, were the most critical things that I needed to embrace in order to cooperate with God as He worked in my life. While all are important, one in particular is the cornerstone, for it gives the others their power. This is humility.

True humility in the context of the reality of God is understanding who God is and who we are in relation to Him. It is foundational to our relationship, defining every interaction we have with Him. I will come back to this later as I discuss the other principles, as it really is impossible to separate them.

There is another aspect of humility that relates to how we interact with those around us. I have found that most men who struggle with SSA have a distorted understanding of what true humility is. I googled the definition of humility, and here is the one that I think most accurately captures what I need to understand as I follow God in my life. It is this, “Humility is the ability to view yourself accurately as an individual with talents as well as flaws, while being void of arrogance and low self-esteem.”

For most of my life I believed that I did not, indeed was not capable of, measuring up to what a real man was supposed to be. As a result, I would never engage with other men in activities where I would be in competition with them, fearing that doing so would expose my weakness. This sense of not being able to measure up to other men is by far the most common problem with men who deal with SSA. Another way this sense of coming up short is dealt with is to mock and ridicule how other men relate to each other and to the world in general. Athletic men would be labeled “dumb jocks,” others as “Neanderthals.” This allows for a false sense of superiority, telling ourselves that we are too sophisticated and it is beneath us to live as other men do.

As I was waiting to for the live-in program to start, God quickened James 4:6 in me. It says “ …God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” It was something that  greatly influenced my choices as I started my first year with New Hope. It was one of the main reasons that I chose to completely submit myself to the de樂威壯
mands of the program. I knew that I had run my life completely into the ground, and giving myself over to the demands of the program could not make it any worse than what it already was. After years of being used to not having to answer to anyone about how I lived my life, I found myself having to get permission to do even the most mundane things. I can’t tell you how many times God used the other men in the program to speak hard truth to me. A lot of times this truth was given to me by someone who was six inches from my face and screaming at me. Every time this happened, I was forced to make a choice as to how I was going to respond. It was not easy to separate the message from the messenger, and I did not always respond well.

Those in leadership were faithful to also point out to me areas in which I fell short. These were things that I really was not aware of and honestly did not want to face.  Once they were pointed out to me, I was forced to choose how I would respond.

This brings me to the second principle that we need to embrace in order to grow, and while it might seem to be obvious, for many dealing with SSA, it can be a hard thing to do. It is trusting God. I found that there is a huge difference between believing in God and trusting Him. My understanding of who God is, and what His intentions for me were, had been skewered by my upbringing. I viewed God as someone who demanded that I do things that were impossible for me to do, and yet when I failed, would punish me for that failure. It was a view that was, emotionally, deeply ingrained in me. This is one of the things that was pointed out to me by my house leader in the program, when he told me, “God is not like your mom.” Again, I was faced with a choice as to how to respond. I had to ask myself, “If God is not like my mom, then who is He?” The answer is simple, He is who He says He is.

This takes us back to the first definition of humility, understanding who God is and who we are in relationship to Him. Here is the thought process that I went through, and while I can say it in just a few sentences, it really has been one of the hardest things for me to do, and it is still an ongoing process.

If God is who He says He is, what does He say about Himself? He says that He is love, that He is gracious, compassionate, patient, forgiving. That He is loyal and will never forsake me. Because He is all of these things, I can and should trust Him when He says He will make all things work out for my good.

Trust is a choice, and I decided to trust Him, even when everything in me was screaming, “Don’t do it.” Without trust, you can’t obey God; unless you obey God, you will not reap the rewards that come from doing so. Once you begin, it becomes easier to trust Him, because He shows that he really is who He says He is.

Frank Worthen put it another way, “Leaving homosexuality is not for sissies.” While Frank’s way of putting it is easier on the ears, I think, at least on an emotional level, “Embrace the suck,” is the attitude that is needed to successfully surrender your sexual attractions to God in order to serve Him on His terms. Failure to have this attitude is one of the primary reasons why many men and women give up and go back to their old way of living.

It is a normal human desire to avoid things that cause pain and stress. All of us want things to be easy and comfortable. Sadly, life is not normally easy and comfortable. Life often presents us with two choices, pain with hope or pain without hope.

I ended last month’s newsletter by speaking about trust in God, and how important it is. The Bible is full of verses that speak of not only enduring hardship, but also embracing it as something that is needed in order to mature in Christ. Hebrews 12:5 tells us to endure hardship as discipline, that it is God treating us as His children. James 1:2 tells us to consider it pure joy whenever we face many kinds of trials, for as our faith is tested, it produces perseverance, which produces maturity. Paul tells us in Romans 8:18 that the suffering we face now is nothing compared to glory that will be revealed in us. These are just a few of the scriptures that tell us that things will not be easy for those who choose to follow Jesus. If we do not trust that all things work for the good of those who love God and are called by Him, the likelihood of us being willing to push through difficult times diminishes greatly.

I am of the opinion that emotional immaturity is one of the hallmarks of homosexuality. I believe it is because we did not, for the most part, go through the normal learning process that comes as you interact with your peers and learn what is and is not acceptable. While it might not be true for everyone, it is a very common trait. I know that it was true for me, and it is something that I saw in many of the men who went through the live-in program. What made me notice this in myself was the fact I began to be aware that whenever I thought about myself, I saw myself as a child. Gradually, over the years, as I have worked to overcome my SSA, that internal sense of age has changed, to the point that I now see myself as a man, not a child. I have to admit, however, that I do not see myself as a 67-year-old man; I like to think that I am still in my forties.

Children do not normally handle their emotions well; that is why they have frequent meltdowns when they do not get what they want when they want it. The concept of delayed gratification is foreign to them. You might have heard about the study where children were given a marshmallow and told that if they waited fifteen minutes before eating it, they would be given another one. The majority of kids chose to eat it before the fifteen minutes was up. They have difficulty in completing difficult tasks, often quitting because it is hard. Their feelings are easily hurt, and having a victim mentality is also common.

Before I came to New Hope, I was never able to control my sexual acting out. I would try and try and fail and fail. I allowed my feelings to control me instead of me controlling my feelings. When things got hard, I gave up, because I was not able or willing to do what it took to push through.

Looking back, I now realize that one of the main reasons I responded as I did was because I did not really believe that anything would change, even if I did push through. I did not believe that God would change anything, and I doubted that He even wanted to. Without the hope of success, I did not have the motivation to continue trying to change my behavior. Time and time again, I saw this dynamic at work in the lives of the men who came through the program. Many would leave the program early, being unwilling to do what was required of them. Others would complete the year, but once they left the structure of the program would once more revert to their old lives. I am sure most of us are aware of some of the more prominent individuals who, after living an overcoming life for years, went back to identifying as gay men and women. Thankfully, there are many men and women who have continued to live lives of surrender to Christ and walk in freedom.

Here are some of the principles that I believe will help ensure success in overcoming SSA. Please note that the most important, primary principle is staying connected to Jesus, for He says that unless we abide in Him and He in us, we can do nothing.

When I came into New Hope, I knew that this is where God wanted me to be, so I was committed to finishing out the year, no matter what. As the year went on, and I was asked what my plans were once the year ended, I did not know how to answer. I decided that since God called me here, I would allow Him to decide when it was time for me to leave. Here I am, 28 years later. I have kept to the same course in staying with the Church of the Open Door, which hosted New Hope’s live-in program. The result has been that I continue to be surrounded by people who know me and support me. I have been open and honest with my struggles, allowing them to help me through the difficulties I have experienced. I have often wondered how things would have gone had I left after the first year. My best guess would be, not so good. So, the fir犀利士
st principle is, “Stay Connected.” Remain in the place where God has you, be it in a ministry or church, until He tells you it is time to move.

Next is understanding that what we are trying to do is going to be hard, and there is nothing that we can do about it. It is supposed to be hard. We have to decide if it is worth it or not, and if we do, it is head down and one foot in front of the other until we reach the finish. It will probably be hard for a long time before we get to where we reach a place emotionally and spiritually where things are easier. This is how we grow, and it is the way everyone grows, so we cannot expect to be exempted.

The next principle is one that I have written about in the past, yet it is still worth re-visiting. Perfection in this life is an illusion. We should expect, at some point, to fall short of the goals we set for ourselves. It is part of being human. I have made several very stupid choices over the years, and I had to learn that my failures do not define me. What was important was what I did after I screwed up. What helped me keep going is the realization that change, or more accurately growth, is a process, and the only way I would fail is if I quit and gave up. Being honest, as well as looking at why things turned out as they did and learning from our mistakes, is the way we grow.

The next principle is that of being grateful. The importance of being grateful is one of the most underrated spiritual truths there is. This is not something that we have to do, rather, it is something that we get to do. It is the grace and mercy of God being manifested in our lives. This is no small thing: He is setting us free from a bondage that enslaved us. When we focus on that, and not on how hard it is, we will find the strength to keep going to the end.

The 28 years have not been without problems or setbacks, yet I am still here, doing what I am doing, serving God to the best of my ability. I know beyond doubt that it has been and continues to be the grace and mercy and faithfulness of God that enables me to do so.

Over the years, I have seen many who walked successfully with God, sometimes for years, only to see them turn away and go back to their old way of living. This has served as wake up for me, reminding me that I am not immune to the lies of the enemy, and that I cannot take anything for granted. The sad reality in life is that all of us are capable of choosing to step out from under the covering that God has placed over us and taking control of how we live. I am going to share some of the choices that I have seen people make that made it more likely that they would surrender to their old nature and cease walking with God.

Hebrews 2:1 states, “Therefore we must pay closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.” While admittedly my experience is limited, I have never known anyone to simply come right out and say, “That’s it, I am not serving God anymore, I am going to live life the way I want to, consequences be dammed.” Everyone I know who went back to their old life did so by making poor choices usually, but not always, over a period of time.

I had a friend who was in leadership with me in the ministry for a couple of years. During that time, he was solid in his belief that SSA was something that needed to be rejected in order to fully walk with God. Once the live-in program ended, he was no longer connected to New Hope, though we still hung out with each other fairly often. He began to attend a church in San Francisco that embraced the Side B theology of SSA. We had a serious talk about the wisdom of him doing this, with me coming down firmly on the side of it being a dangerous step for him to be taking.  After a few years, he called me and asked me to meet with him. When we did, he started out by saying, “I decided to sit down with the Bible, just me and God, to see what it really said about SSA. I have come to the conclusion that God is okay with it, and so I am no longer going to deny my attractions.” I attempted to reason with him, to no avail. He is now married to a man and living in Colorado.

I know several people who, after agreeing to sit down and have ongoing “conversations” with gay rights advocates, have made similar choices. I suspect that they had already begun to weaken in their desire to stand firm, and this pushed them over the edge, as it were. 1 Cor.15:23 says, “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals.” Any time I talk to someone who is pro-gay, and they start telling me how unfair it is to expect them to deny their desires, etc., my only response is that it does not matter: God’s word is clear, and we are called to honor Him in our bodies by walking in purity.

At the end of my first year as house leader, the man who was going to be my assistant house

leader for the next year asked me for permission to attend a party that some of the men who were graduating were going to have in San Francisco to celebrate the program’s end. There was going to be food and alcohol served. He told me that if I said no, he would not go, so it was up to me. As I prayed and thought about it, I did not feel at peace about it, so I told him I did not think that it was a wise thing for him to go. To be honest, I did not really have a good reason to tell him why not, just this unease in my spirit. He agreed not to go, but I could tell he was disappointed. After several days the Holy Spirit dropped three words into my heart, and they were: “Casting off restraint.” It was then I understood why I was so uneasy about the party. The men who went had the attitude that said, “I am free again. There is no one to tell me what I can and cannot do anymore.”

The reality of life is that we are never “free” to do what we want to do. We will submit either to God or to the devil; there are no other options. Being truly free does not mean that we can do anything we want. Rather, true freedom is being able to not do what we do not want to do. While in the short term, surrendering to our sin nature seems like freedom. In reality, it is placing ourselves under the control of a harsh taskmaster who only wants to destroy us and who will lead us to an eternity of suffering. Conversely, in serving God, it often seems like we are agreeing to live a life of rigor that requires of us to miss out on all the things that the world has to offer. Being willing to submit to what the Lord says is the best way to live, despite the difficulty in doing so, as trusting obedience is foundational to our walk with God.

Another scenario that is fairly common among those who quit living a chaste life is this: they begin to struggle purity, perhaps with

pornography, or even acting out sexually, and instead of confessing it and bringing it out into the open, they decide to hide it. They decide to deal with it on their own instead of asking for help. This is particularly common if they are in a position of leadership, as confessing something like this could result in their being asked to step down from their position. I have never seen it work out well for those involved.

Toward the end of my third year as house leader, I made a very poor choice and acted out with someone while I was away visiting family. I was determined to keep it a secret, but God had other ideas. When I came home, as soon as I came into the house, I was confronted with a simple issue that normally I would have easily dealt with. I was completely unable to find a solution to the problem, and it was at that time that I realized that the anointing that was on me to be a house leader had been removed. I went and told Frank what had happened, and as a result, I stepped down from leadership and began a process of restoration. I am grateful that God did not allow me to hide what had happened, as in the long run it made me a much better leader. I learned valuable lessons about honestly and humility, and it also made me much more compassionate when dealing with others who have found themselves in similar circumstances.

Denying our flesh, taking up our cross on a daily basis in order to follow Christ, can be a struggle. We get tired and sometimes make compromises that, at the time, seem minor, but only open the door for more serious ones down the road. Scripture tells us that it is the little foxes that spoil the vine. I have heard it said that there is no standing still in God, that you are either moving forward or sliding backwards. If we choose to move forward, despite the hardship, God, who is faithful, will give us the courage and strength to keep going.

Howard…

I want to add a disclaimer that applies to this series of posts: While there are several root issues that are common to the experiences of those who deal with SSA, not everyone responds in the same way. I know a lot of men with SSA who do not deal with all of the things that I will be writing about. I want to make sure that everyone knows that I am speaking broadly, and that I am not saying that everyone who has SSA fits this pattern exactly.

As children grow up and interact with their peers, one key life lesson that they learn is that not everyone is going to like them, and that is okay. They learn to deal with rejection in a manner that allows them to understand that their self-worth is not dependent on what others think about them. They are then able to receive affirmation from others. For those of us who detached emotionally from others, this was not something that we experienced. Speaking for myself, as a child I was so used to being rejected and ridiculed by others that it became impossible for me to receive any type of affirmation. If someone did say something nice or encouraging to me, I did not believe that they were being sincere. This led me into a pattern of what I call “collecting wounds.” I saw rejection in every interaction with others, regardless of what their intention was. This only served to reinforce my detachment. Males in particular have a habit of razzing one another, calling each other names, teasing them when they do something wrong, etc. Odd as it may sound, it is a way of building comradery among a group of guys. As I grew older, I learned to hide the hurt such interactions caused me and also learned how to give as good as I got. I was never able, however, to shake the feeling that they really meant what they were saying.

I bring this up because it was not until I started counseling with Joe Dallas that I was even aware that this was something that I was doing. As we talked about how I felt about how I related to the men whom I worked with at the time, I began to realize that I was taking everything that was said to me personally and using it as an excuse to continue to isolate  myself from others. Emotionally, this was not an easy thing to admit to myself. It meant that I was no longer able to play the victim and now had to take responsibility for how I felt. Overcoming this pattern in my life led me to be able to receive affirmation from others, which led to an increase in my self-confidence.

In the live-in program, we had a phrase that we used to describe some of the men who went through the program, and that phrase was “terminally different.” It was used to describe men who felt that the issues that they were dealing with, the problems that they faced, were so bad and so unique that they felt that they should be able to exempt themselves from doing all the normal things that the program required of them. They felt this was because they honestly believed that the normal things were not sufficient to bring about the changes that they desired. Believing this gave them a sense of worth in a negative sense. They had built their identity around their brokenness. They often had a very heightened sense of victimhood. They, generally speaking, were very needy and wanted lots of special attention from the leadership of the house, reacting with hurt and anger when they did not receive what they felt was due to them.

As a house leader in New Hope’s live-in program, I can remember talking one-on-one with such individuals, trying to get them to understand that what they went through, while painful for them, was not uncommon for men who have SSA. They would respond, “Yes, but you don’t understand,” and “I am different, my situation was worse than others.” To be honest, sometimes they were correct. One man’s grandfather started sexually abusing him when he was three, and the abuse continued until he was fifteen.

Yet, one of the problems in believing that you are a victim is that you wait to be rescued, instead of taking the necessary steps to change your situation. It was in situations like this that the live-in program’s emphasis on the dynamics of group therapy really helped. There is something about being called out by your peers that has an effect on people that does not happen when you are being told the same thing by someone in leadership. I could suggest that perhaps they needed to really examine how they felt to see it if was realistic or not. On the other hand, the house could tell them to, “Suck it up and quit feeling sorry for yourself,” or “Prince Charming is not going to come and rescue you,” or “If you want things to be different, then do something about it yourself.” While it might sound harsh, oftentimes it was exactly what they needed to hear. I realized early in my program year that while many bad things had happened to me that I did not have control over at the time, it did not mean that I did not have the ability to control my response to what had happened. That realization gave me back my power to help change how I responded to things now. I was no longer a victim.

Fear of failing is another common trait among men with SSA. The reality is that it is a common trait among males in general. For many of us, when we failed as children, we were shamed and ridiculed. This often led to a reluctance to try again, fearing the same response if we failed again. When we do not try, we do not learn that we can indeed do more than we thought we could.

When I started my current job, 28 years ago, I had never done any kind of maintenance before. My job interview consisted of me telling the man who would become my boss, “I can’t even pound a nail in straight, but if you are willing to teach me, I am willing to learn.” The sense of confidence I developed as a result of learning new skills really worked hand in hand with what I was learning in the program at the time. It just took a willingness to try new things that I had never done before.      Howard

I have been involved with New Hope Ministries, in one form or another, for 28 years. I have, over the years, met many men who were seeking help with their SSA. The one statement that I have heard repeatedly is, “I have always felt different from other males.” This sense of being different led us to believe that we were less than other males, that we lacked what other males had. This feeling did not just happen by itself, as there are many different things that we experienced as children, and how we responded to them, that contributed to and reinforced this sense of being different. That said, the goal of Reparative Therapy, simply put, is to bring men to a place where they no longer feel this sense of difference. Having reached that place, they can then begin to move forward in assimilating a heathy male identity.

Sounds simple, right? There are, however, many changes that we must go through to reach that goal. When you grow up thinking that you are not a man in the sense that other men are, it truly becomes your “identity,” something that is deeply rooted in you.

Let me give a disclaimer that will, I hope, clarify something. Feeling different from other males is not something that only men who grow up to develop SSA feel; some straight men also have had this feeling. What sets us apart from them is how differently we responded.

Case in point, another thing that is also universal in men who deal with SSA is Defensive Detachment. As its name implies, we began to detach emotionally from the other males in our lives, such as our fathers and male peers, as a way of protecting ourselves from hurt. Building emotional walls to keep others out will indeed help us from being hurt. However, the unintended consequence is that it also prevents us from receiving the emotional support and that sense of belonging that healthy relationships provide.

The one thing that detaching emotionally from others will not do is protect us from how we feel about ourselves. We are left alo日本藤素
ne with our feelings, with no way to objectively judge if our feelings and how we view ourselves is, in fact, accurate. The longer we cut ourselves off from our male peers, and the normal socialization that results from being around other males, the more “different” we feel. The more different we feel, the more we detach. This dynamic is also one of the triggers for others to bully the boy who is not like everyone else, further exacerbating the sense of being different. Speaking for myself, I reached a point as a child where I simply was not able to lower my emotional walls, even if I had wanted to.

This is where the group therapy sessions that are a part of R.T. (Reparative Therapy) come into play. As I have said before, one of the things that New Hope’s live-in program was based on was the idea that being able to share honestly in a group of men, men who were safe, would be a way of helping us to lower our emotional walls. For the majority of us, it was the first time we had ever shared what was really going on inside of us with anyone. Again, speaking for myself, I was so shut down emotionally that the thought of making myself vulnerable to anyone was something that I would not normally even have considered. There was a steep learning curve for all of us, and as a result we had some very interesting meetings! As the men committed to continue, in spite of any mistakes we or others made, we began to learn what was appropriate and what was not. We learned how to work through any hurt or misunderstandings that occurred, and by doing so learned that they can actually strengthen a friendship. The reality of the situation was that we were learning things that we would have learned as boys growing up, but now most of us were in our forties or older.

One of the side effects, if you will, of defensive detachment, is emotional immaturity. There are things that can only be learned in the context of the dynamics that occur in a group setting. As children begin grow and to form friendships, or become part of a team, their interaction with peers challenges them on many different levels. Meeting these challenges gives them a sense of their place in the world of males. Instead of withdrawing, they face their fears and doubts, and continue to develop in their identity as males. They learn to control their emotions or at least temporarily hide them. It is a process of trial and error, and much of what they learn is taught to them by their peers, either overtly or subconsciously. Not only do they grow physically, they also grow emotionally.

For those of us who separated ourselves from that process, we remained children emotionally. When I came into the live-in program and God started to open up my understanding of what was going on inside of me, I became aware that when I thought about myself, the sense I had was that I was still a child. It is hard to put into words what I felt, but I did not feel like I was a forty-year-old man. I realized that I was responding to situations not as a man would, but as a child would.

A common trait among men with SSA is that we tend to be very egocentric, viewing the world primarily through how we feel and are affected by the circumstances that we find ourselves in. This tendency was frequently on display in the program once the honeymoon period was over, and things started to get real. It was one of the reasons that some of the men in the house started to complain about the structure of the program and began to question if they really wanted to go through what they would have to in order to learn how to control their sexual desires.        Howard

That was certainly true with me. For many years, in spite of how unhappy I was, I continued to live my “normal” life. I had learned to cope with my pain, keeping it under control by numbing myself with drugs and alcohol. I am what is called a “functional alcoholic,” meaning  I was able, in spite of my drinking and drug use, to maintain a steady job. I kept my work life and my personal life completely separate, which allowed me to remain in the closet. While I have no illusions that I was completely successful in hiding my same-sex attractions, no one ever called me on it. There was a period of about three years in my early twenties, when I was mentored by Christian men, that I had some measure of victory in my life. But, eventually, I fell back into my old patterns and quit going to church. I did not stop believing in God. Rather, I quit believing that change was possible. In my early thirties, I began to lose control of the ability to maintain the farce that I had created of my life. Looking back, I can see that God was moving in my life to bring me to a place of abject brokenness. As I said, I did not quit believing in God, and God certainly did not give up on me. The Holy Spirit was relentless in bringing conviction, never allowing me to get comfortable in my sin.

I would like to do a quick segue and speak about something that I feel is important for the family and friends of those who deal with not only SSA, but other deep-seated issues such as addiction, to realize. As I said earlier, I was involved in a very good church for about three to four years. The pastors were supportive of me and my desire to not give in to my attractions. One man in particular, Barney, whom I have written about before, was especially close to me. When I decided to leave the church, Barney and his wife came to me and talked to me about my decision, urging me to remain in fellowship in spite of my moral failures. Once they knew that I was not going to change my mind, they told me that they loved me, and would continue to pray for me, and to entrust me into God’s hands. They watched from afar as my life begin to spiral downward, and though Barney would on occasion reach out to me, reminding me that he and his wife would be there if I were ever to need them, they never attempted to rescue me from the consequences of my actions. I said all that to say this: do not be too quick to step in and try to rescue someone from the mess they find themselves in. There is a truism in AA and in recovery ministries that says, “Rock bottom is a good foundation on which to rebuild your life.” You can actually hinder what God may be doing if you bail someone out and prevent them from coming to the end of themselves. I know that it is hard to watch someone you love, especially if it is your child, ruining their life, but please seek God’s wisdom before intervening.

As I started to write this series of posts, I realized I have only dealt with men who were doing what they were doing because they were motivated by their Christian faith. Once I started to do research on why some men (and women) seek professional help, it became clear that some began this process because being gay does not fit who they feel they are. They do not want to live at the edge of society, as it were. These men often desire to be married and to raise children. Others have lived as gay men and have found it to be a shallow and empty way of life. Such men usually are starting to age and find that they are no longer considered attractive to others. They are not motivated by any moral or ethical concerns about having sex with other men. While there may be many reasons someone might not want to be “gay,” and therefore seek out therapy or other forms of help in dealing with their SSA, probably the biggest reason someone continues to decide to fight their attractions remains their faith in God.

The next question is, why do some men continue to resist their attractions, and why so some give up and return to their old lifestyle? It has been my experience that approximately twenty-five percent or so of the men who seek help succeed, success being defined as never returning, long term, to their old pattern of living.

My first year with New Hope’s live-in program was an eye opener in many ways. Everyone in my program year completely uprooted their lives in order to enter the program. They gave up jobs, homes, leaving everything behind, all in an effort to overcome their SSA. Our ages ranged from late thirties to mid-fifties. All of us had experienced some form of crisis in our lives, which was the immediate motivation for coming into the program. The program was very structured and restrictive in the beginning, and as time passed, we were granted greater freedom as we were able to show we could be responsible in our choices. I desperately needed that structure to break the old patterns in my life, and I found a freedom that I had never experienced before as I gave myself to following the guidelines. I was so deeply grateful for God giving me another chance. The same was true for the others. . . at least for the first month or so. By the end of February, most of the men in the house were complaining about not being able to do what they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it. I was honestly astounded by their attitude, and I would challenge them on it, reminding them that they knew what they were getting into and reminding them what their lives were like before coming into the program. could not understand how, after giving up all they did to come to New Hope, they would now resist so strongly in giving themselves to what was asked of them. I asked Frank Worthen about this, and he told me that this behavior was not unusual. He likened it to the children of Israel coming out of Egypt. When they were under Pharaoh’s rule, their slavery was very apparent. But once they were set free, it was easy to forget just how bad it once was, especially when they were facing the hardships of the desert. It was at that point that the “leeks and garlic” of Egypt seemed so appealing to them.

That was the dynamics that were in play with the men of the program. The crisis that brought them to the program had begun to fade, and things did not seem so bad anymore. Now we were all faced with the reality of what “change” looked like when it was walking around on two feet, and not some romanticized version that we had constructed in our heads.

Frank would often remind us of what we were facing. He would tell us that we would have to go through a period of time where we would be in transition. We had given up our old life, but we did not yet fully have what God had prepared for us. This phase of change often can last for an undetermined amount of time before we can begin to see the fruits of our efforts. Sadly, our double-mindedness can prolong this period of time, for it requires an unchanging commitment to the process of growth that God has for us. We must shut completely the door that leads back to our former life, for if we leave it open even a crack, we will find ourselves standing at the door looking back at what we have left behind, instead of moving forward into the new life of freedom that God has for us. This is not to say that we will never make poor choices again, or even act out on our attractions once more, but if we do, we must go to God and seek forgiveness and restoration. It is not how many times you fall that matters in the long run, but how many times you get back up.

Howard

As I begin this series of posts, I am going to start out as I normally do, and 威而鋼
that is to lay a foundation for what is to come. In that vein, I would like to begin by examining the issue of Christians using secular therapy in an effort to change their behavior, or feelings, whatever they might be. I have, in the past, had some pretty intense conversations around this issue with those who believe that all a Christian needs to do is to trust God and to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit to overcome any issue in their lives that they might face, and to do anything else is missing the mark.

I wholeheartedly agree with the first part, but strongly disagree with the second. The reason I do so is because I hold to the view that modern psychology is simply people working to understand three things: how God created humanity, what is required to develop into healthy human beings, and what happens when that created intent is not followed. For example, numerous studies have shown that children do best when they are raised in a home where both the father and mother are present and remain married. The same studies show that children, especially males, do not do as well when they are raised where the father is absent. This follows along with what God has ordained regarding how a family is to be structured. As another example of this, psychologists have shown that if a child is not given the attention that they need, they will at times act out in rebellion in an effort to gain that attention. Bad attention is better than no attention at all. Young boys that do not have their need for male affirmation met in a healthy way are more susceptible to being seduced by a pedophile than those who have had healthy male affirmation. I believe that the proverbs 27:7 illustrates this principle. I always recommend to those who are seeking counseling and are Christians to only go to a Christian counselor, so that any insight they might gain by counseling can be integrated with their faith.

Having said all of that, let me segue into the main topic of this post. Is it possible for someone who has same sex attractions to change their attractions, or is sexuality fixed and unchanging? One of the main arguments that gay rights advocates have used in the past to advance their cause is that you are born either gay or straight and that these attractions are immutable. From that position, they argue that being attracted to your own gender is simply a normal variation of human sexuality, and it is therefore ignorant and unfair to stigmatize those who are gay. I have over the years written several newsletters that cover this issue, and the short answer to both questions is, no, you are not born gay and sexuality is fluid, and for those who desire not to have same-sex attractions, change is possible.

It is important to define what “change” is, however. If someone deals with unwanted SSA, and through therapy those attractions are greatly diminished, though not completely erased, they have changed. If I once identified as “gay” and now I no longer do, that too is change. When I am counseling someone, I will often make this statement, “It is never going to be like it never was.” I believe, absent a divine deliverance, those of us who developed, as Dr. Moberly called it, a “homosexual condition” and then spent years acting out on those attractions, will always have some residue of SSA in their lives. This fact does not in any way deny the very real changes that occur in people as they learn how to deal with the deep, non-sexual root causes of SSA.

I first heard the term “Reparative Therapy” when I went to a church where Joe Dallas was speaking. As a result of that experience, I made an appointment to see Joseph Nicolosi who wrote the book, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality and was one of the founders of NARTH (The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality.) While I did not continue seeing him as a therapist, I did buy his book, and it opened my eyes to why I had the attractions that I had. My next statement may come as a surprise to you, but just as it is misleading to call every effort that seeks to change someone’s attraction or identity “conversion therapy,” it is similarly misleading to label every effort to change “reparative therapy.”

Let me quote from The Complete Christian Guide to Understanding Homosexuality by Joe Dallas and Nancy Heche: “Reparative Therapy is a phrase referring to counseling, psychotherapy, or other forms of psychological treatment for homosexuals who are in conflict over their sexuality. It derives from a theory that homosexuality represents unmet emotional needs or conflicts that need repairing, in which cases therapy should attempt to repair the damage or deficits the person experiences…. Reparative Therapy should not be used as an umbrella term covering every treatment approach for women and men with unwanted homosexual desires. Other forms of counseling or therapy may be designed to help such people, but without subscribing to all of the tenets of reparative therapy.”

There have been several different approaches to the treatment of homosexuality in the past, with some having a greater success in treating unwanted SSA than others. Yet it was not until Dr. Moberly’s insight into the dynamics of defensive detachment and same-sex ambivalence as a key contributing factor in the development of SSA that a new therapy model based on the concept of gender identity could be developed. One of the key ways that her insights have changed how therapy to those who seek help for SSA is approached is the dynamic of the relationships between therapists and their clients. Traditionally, therapists were to remain emotionally distant from their clients. With reparative therapy, therapists must become engaged with their clients, as one of the primary needs of clients is intimate male connectedness. The therapist must be the same sex as the client, in order to aid in the working through of any issues with the same sex parent. In reparative therapy, the relationship between the therapist and client is central to the process of growth.

Another aspect of reparative therapy is the use of group therapy. Learning to develop intimate, trusting, non-erotic relationships with other men will allow the men involved to learn that they possess in themselves all the maleness that they need. It is in this type of setting that men can learn to overcome their defensive detachment. New Hope’s live-in program was based upon learning to build such relationships.

It is unfortunate that most of the literature that is written on this topic is focused on male homosexuality. As I continue to write, when I think it is appropriate, and when I feel that I know what I am talking about, I will insert information about how reparative therapy may be applied to female homosexuality.

I will be primarily focused on the how reparative therapy is used to help men attain their goal of growing into a healthy masculine identity. Non-sexual root causes will only be mentioned in this context. For example, I will show how therapy is used to help men deal with any father issues they might have, rather than how the father issue might have influenced the development of SSA to begin with.

It is easy to conceptualize how therapy is used to help men attain their desired goals. What I hope to do in this series of newsletters is to show how it is applied in real situations that men face, or as I like to call it, “What does it actually look like when its walking around on two legs.     Howard

The church has not always responded to those with S.S.A. with grace and compassion. In the gay community there is a lot of mistrust and suspicion towards Christians. While some of it is justified, a lot of it isn’t. For example, after the tragedy in Orlando, one gay person whom I know asked, “How come Christians are not condemning this brutality?” He was focused on the one or two pastors who were applauding what had happened, but he was ignoring all the others who were condemning it. So, I would tell the new believer, give the church a chance. Be willing to lay down your mistrust and allow time and experience to change how you view the church. Extend to church members you meet the same grace and understanding you want to be extended to you. Understand that for many in the church this is going to be a new experience, and while most will want to do the right thing, they are having to learn what the right thing is. If you walk in with a chip on your shoulder, expecting trouble, chances are you will find it. There is an adage that says, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything will start looking like a nail.” If you expect rejection, chances are you will find it, even where none was meant.

As I have stated before, one of the biggest blessings the Church of the Open Door gave me when I first started attending was that they treated me just like everyone else. For the first time in my life, I was able to live without this big scarlet “H” hanging over me. It was the thing that had always defined me, and now it did not matter. As a result, I was able to allow God to show me who I was, absent the shame I had always carried with me. For the first time, I was able to feel what it was like to be just one of the guys. To the struggler I would say, “Don’t expect to be the focus of everyone’s attention.” You are not being ignored, you are being treated like everyone else, and that (in the long run) is a good thing. You are going to have to learn how to relate differently, and that takes time. Real friendships take time and effort, whereas in the lifestyle, relationships are often shallow and based on emotion and physical attraction.

If you have ever been to an A.A. meeting, one of the first things you will notice is the brutal honesty that is practiced there. Those who are successful have dropped the pretense. They have been willing to take a long, hard look at themselves and are willing to change the things that need to be changed. They have found the freedom in being just who they are, and for the most part they are no longer worried about what others think about them. So to the struggler I say, “Learn how to let down your guard and allow others to see the real you.”

There is going to be a time and a place for this to happen, and you need to use wisdom when you do. For me, it was in the context of a men’s group; as other men shared their struggles with me, I was able to share mine with them, and for the first time in my life, be completely honest. As a result, the sense of shame and alienation began to leave me. Again, this did not happen overnight, it took time, there were wrong steps, and honestly times when I wished I had kept my mouth shut.

Through it all, I learned how to relate to other men the way men relate to each other. In the same vein, be willing to take correction. Listen to what others say, and pray about it. We oftentimes do not have an accurate picture of ourselves, and humbly allowing others to speak into our life and show us things about ourselves that we don’t want to hear is the way we grow. I had a rule of thumb when I was in the program; if something that was said to me angered me, then that was a sign that I needed to pay attention to it, because it was God putting His finger on a sore spot in my heart.

Lastly, “Be willing to serve, to give back to the church.” This includes financial support. One of the core principles of the Kingdom of God is, “Give and it will be given to you.” When I first started at Open Door, I began helping with the set up and tear down of the equipment every Sunday. Twenty-one years later, I am still at it. Find a need in the church and fill it. It does not have to be something big, and oftentimes it is better that it isn’t. Are there elderly in your church? Do they need help with their yard? Maybe it will be driving someone to the store, so they can do their grocery shopping. Everyone has a gift given to them by God to be used to build up the body of Christ. Find out what yours is and begin to operate it. Those of us who deal with S.S.A. are often self-focused; reaching out to others will help us to change that. In conclusion, extend grace, allow others in, serve, and you will grow in Christ.