by Anita Worthen

Bill came across country to join a live-in program because he wanted help for his homosexual problems. His mother took him to the airport and cried, her tears a mixture of joy and sorrow. Though she knew she would miss him, she had prayed for this day for a long time! Over the next few weeks she spent much of her time praying for him and, in addition, spoke on the phone with him several times a day. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his roommate and didn't share in the meetings about his struggles because he felt the leadership were harsh with him. Mom seemed to be the only one who understood. After a few months, Bill was packing his bags and returning home; he and his mother felt he had learned all he could from the program and that he could continue at home with her support. Sad to say, that didn't happen; we often hear from Bill's mom, pleading with us to pray for her son who is deep in the gay lifestyle.

This is just one case of how a mom can hinder the healing she so much wants for her son's life. Most moms would be quick to say "at least I'm not that bad!" But they will see bits and pieces of themselves in Bill's mom. In many cases, mother and son have had a very close relationship when the son was growing up, while the father was either physically or emotionally absent. Mother often took on the role of both mother and father because she felt she had no choice. To make matters worse, mother and son probably didn't experience the most obvious circumstances that would separate them, another woman coming into the picture. The first real girlfriend starts a gradual separation process that should be completed when the son gets married. But the mother of a son struggling with homosexuality has probably never had to face another woman coming between them.

FACING BAD HABITS
Many of the problems described above are caused by some characteristic bad habits that have become ingrained in our lives over the years:

Feeling Overly Responsible for Another Person: I am a person who finds it easy to get overly involved in helping others, particularly my son. However, God does not want us to relate to others in this way; He is a jealous God and wants people to turn to Him for help. If you are this way, it will exaggerate the problems you already have with your son.

No Clear Boundaries: Often a woman with no clear boundaries will say "yes" to everyone, thinking that makes her a good Christian or "good mother." She has no time for her own interests or things that she wants to do. The mothers that come to me for help often don't have a clear understanding of where their son's life begins and theirs ends. This can often mean a mother's life revolves almost entirely around her son, and will drop everything when he calls.

Unnatural Fear of Losing Relationship: The fear of losing a relationship is "unnatural" when you make sure you never do anything to upset that relationship. A mother with this fear works hard at being what her son needs her to be. Unfortunately, fear of losing relationship can make us less than honest with our sons. Why is this a greater problem for moms of homosexual men? One reason is that mom may be closer to her son than she should be, so to lose the relationship would create an unbearable void in her life. Also, she may disapprove of her son's lifestyle, so feels she must maintain the relationship in order to exert what influence she can.

Protecting the Son from His Father: I refer to this as the bridge of communication; the son will look to Mom to plead his case to Dad. "Mom, you are the only one who understands me, will you talk to Dad for me?" This makes Mom a very important person to her son, the one who makes things happen.

HEALTHY WAYS TO RELATE
The first step to healthy relationships is to make a list of what you're responsible for and what you're not. I suggest you do this in your prayer time; it may take some time to complete. Here is an example:

What I am responsible for:
1. To be honest with others about my needs.
2. My reactions and responses to others.
3. My relationship with God.
4. What comes out of my mouth.

What I am not responsible for:
1. Others feelings and reactions.
2. Their health and life choices.
3. Their relationship with God.
4. Their reaction to me.
5. To fix other people's sad feelings and problems.

My Own Story: My feeling overly responsible for Tony came out of his messed up childhood; I feel responsible for that and want to make it up to him. Also, because he is sick I fear I will look back one day and feel I didn't do enough. From Tony's perspective, he feels responsible to me because I leaned on him so much when he was young, and he also feels guilty for being in the gay lifestyle and having AIDS. Does knowing this help us? Absolutely! I can spot bad habits reemerging and often stop them while they're still just a thought in my mind!

Stop Being a Bridge Between Father and Son: Being a bridge of communication is unhealthy because we put ourselves in the role of protector and defender, and keep our son from establishing an emotional bond with his father, which is one of his most important needs. Ask God if and how you have been doing this: He is able to change you if you are willing to change.

Develop Healthy Boundaries: We have to see that "always being there" is not the best thing. We must understand why it's important to have boundaries and must develop a desire to really want them. As moms, we often pray for our sons to develop a desire for God in their lives. But sometimes we stand in the way of our own prayers. Can you remember how you felt just before you gave your heart to God? Quite possibly you felt lonely, desperate or hopeless! If moms come in, fix every problem and meet every need...who needs an invisible God? Our sons must feel the need to be saved in order to know they need a savior. It isn't easy to let our sons go, but it gets easier as we practice and let God help us.

Confess Your Fears to God: Unnatural fear of losing our son can become idolatry, if our fear of losing him is greater than our fear of losing God. As we confess our fears to God, He will help us make Him Lord of our lives once again. A mother came to me one day, distraught because she had read an article her son had written for a gay newspaper; in it he had made his childhood sound much worse than it really was. She did not understand why she couldn't get past the feelings of anger and hurt toward him. Her reason for not confronting him was that she wanted to show "unconditional love" and, besides, things were just beginning to heal between him and the family. As we talked she began to recognize her fear of losing relationship with her son; as soon as she saw this she knew it was wrong. A few weeks later she called to report progress. Though she didn't want to, she and her husband had talked with their son and were able to express their feelings of hurt and anger; initially he was resentful and embarrassed but after a while he started to understand their concerns, and they now have a better and more honest relationship with him.

Change Your Focus: The key to change is to stop focusing on your son. Begin to fix the relationships you are able to fix, starting with God and, if you are married, moving on to your husband. Build yourself a life that doesn't revolve around your son, and find hobbies and friends that have nothing to do with homosexuality. Don't include your son in every aspect of your life. There will be times when circumstances draw your son closer to you; if he gets sick, has a breakup with his partner, or is lonely. If you're working on developing healthy boundaries you can be there for your son without becoming over-involved. Then when he pulls back as things get better in his life (and they will!) you won't feel so used and discarded. Other times you may be brought closer because of a project you are working on, such as planning a family vacation or helping to paint your living room. If you're working at having healthy boundaries you can enjoy this special time without holding on too tight, because you will have your own life to return to afterwards.

Find the Right Balance: It's possible I will always struggle to find the right balance with Tony, but staying busy and having other friendships helps a lot. Because Tony rents an apartment from us right across from my office...it is hard to put him out of my mind. I enjoy when he calls me, even though it's often because he needs something; a few nights ago he called and was talking enthusiastically about the project he was doing in his home...and then he asked if he could use our truck to pick up supplies - I smiled as I set down the phone! There was a time when I would have felt used and crushed that he called only because he needed something, but I am healthier now and realize that it's all part of life.

Take some time to study other relationships between mothers and sons. Recognize what is normal and what is not. All kids call home sometimes when they have needs. There are even times our grown children need mothering (if they are sick for instance) and it's OK to be there for them at that time. But for the mother that has a dependency (an unhealthy need) it is difficult not to abandon all else just to be there for her son. It can take time to find a healthy balance but, if you persevere, you will! Over the years I have found that, as I've stopped trying to manipulate my son into spending time with me...he likes being with me more. Now that my life is full and I am not looking to him to meet all my needs, we have a lot more fun together. The joy and peace in my life attracts him, and he sees Jesus through me. I can even say "no" to him and he is OK with that. We're both more comfortable knowing where the boundaries are and it's real nice not feeling like a doormat! As I have grown closer to God I am able to trust Him more to take care of Tony, and to worry less about the part I play in Tony's life...

© New Hope Ministries. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.