It has been 28 years since I first came to New Hope Ministries, to join its inaugural live-in program. I was a broken man, living with the consequences of all the wrong choices that I had made. I did not come because I had made a decision to change my life; I came because I really did not have any other choice. As I have said before, it was an act of desperation. It was my last hope, and, honestly, I did not expect much to come of it. I had in the past tried again and again to change my behavior and repeatedly failed. There are no words adequate to express how grateful I am for all that God has done in the ensuing years.
The 28 years have not been without problems or setbacks, yet I am still here, doing what I am doing, serving God to the best of my ability. I know beyond doubt that it has been and continues to be the grace and mercy and faithfulness of God that enables me to do so.
Over the years, I have seen many who walked successfully with God, sometimes for years, only to see them turn away and go back to their old way of living. This has served as wake up for me, reminding me that I am not immune to the lies of the enemy, and that I cannot take anything for granted. The sad reality in life is that all of us are capable of choosing to step out from under the covering that God has placed over us and taking control of how we live. I am going to share some of the choices that I have seen people make that made it more likely that they would surrender to their old nature and cease walking with God.
Hebrews 2:1 states, “Therefore we must pay closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.” While admittedly my experience is limited, I have never known anyone to simply come right out and say, “That’s it, I am not serving God anymore, I am going to live life the way I want to, consequences be dammed.” Everyone I know who went back to their old life did so by making poor choices usually, but not always, over a period of time.
I had a friend who was in leadership with me in the ministry for a couple of years. During that time, he was solid in his belief that SSA was something that needed to be rejected in order to fully walk with God. Once the live-in program ended, he was no longer connected to New Hope, though we still hung out with each other fairly often. He began to attend a church in San Francisco that embraced the Side B theology of SSA. We had a serious talk about the wisdom of him doing this, with me coming down firmly on the side of it being a dangerous step for him to be taking. After a few years, he called me and asked me to meet with him. When we did, he started out by saying, “I decided to sit down with the Bible, just me and God, to see what it really said about SSA. I have come to the conclusion that God is okay with it, and so I am no longer going to deny my attractions.” I attempted to reason with him, to no avail. He is now married to a man and living in Colorado.
I know several people who, after agreeing to sit down and have ongoing “conversations” with gay rights advocates, have made similar choices. I suspect that they had already begun to weaken in their desire to stand firm, and this pushed them over the edge, as it were. 1 Cor.15:23 says, “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals.” Any time I talk to someone who is pro-gay, and they start telling me how unfair it is to expect them to deny their desires, etc., my only response is that it does not matter: God’s word is clear, and we are called to honor Him in our bodies by walking in purity.
At the end of my first year as house leader, the man who was going to be my assistant house
leader for the next year asked me for permission to attend a party that some of the men who were graduating were going to have in San Francisco to celebrate the program’s end. There was going to be food and alcohol served. He told me that if I said no, he would not go, so it was up to me. As I prayed and thought about it, I did not feel at peace about it, so I told him I did not think that it was a wise thing for him to go. To be honest, I did not really have a good reason to tell him why not, just this unease in my spirit. He agreed not to go, but I could tell he was disappointed. After several days the Holy Spirit dropped three words into my heart, and they were: “Casting off restraint.” It was then I understood why I was so uneasy about the party. The men who went had the attitude that said, “I am free again. There is no one to tell me what I can and cannot do anymore.”
The reality of life is that we are never “free” to do what we want to do. We will submit either to God or to the devil; there are no other options. Being truly free does not mean that we can do anything we want. Rather, true freedom is being able to not do what we do not want to do. While in the short term, surrendering to our sin nature seems like freedom. In reality, it is placing ourselves under the control of a harsh taskmaster who only wants to destroy us and who will lead us to an eternity of suffering. Conversely, in serving God, it often seems like we are agreeing to live a life of rigor that requires of us to miss out on all the things that the world has to offer. Being willing to submit to what the Lord says is the best way to live, despite the difficulty in doing so, as trusting obedience is foundational to our walk with God.
Another scenario that is fairly common among those who quit living a chaste life is this: they begin to struggle purity, perhaps with
pornography, or even acting out sexually, and instead of confessing it and bringing it out into the open, they decide to hide it. They decide to deal with it on their own instead of asking for help. This is particularly common if they are in a position of leadership, as confessing something like this could result in their being asked to step down from their position. I have never seen it work out well for those involved.
Toward the end of my third year as house leader, I made a very poor choice and acted out with someone while I was away visiting family. I was determined to keep it a secret, but God had other ideas. When I came home, as soon as I came into the house, I was confronted with a simple issue that normally I would have easily dealt with. I was completely unable to find a solution to the problem, and it was at that time that I realized that the anointing that was on me to be a house leader had been removed. I went and told Frank what had happened, and as a result, I stepped down from leadership and began a process of restoration. I am grateful that God did not allow me to hide what had happened, as in the long run it made me a much better leader. I learned valuable lessons about honestly and humility, and it also made me much more compassionate when dealing with others who have found themselves in similar circumstances.
Denying our flesh, taking up our cross on a daily basis in order to follow Christ, can be a struggle. We get tired and sometimes make compromises that, at the time, seem minor, but only open the door for more serious ones down the road. Scripture tells us that it is the little foxes that spoil the vine. I have heard it said that there is no standing still in God, that you are either moving forward or sliding backwards. If we choose to move forward, despite the hardship, God, who is faithful, will give us the courage and strength to keep going.
Howard…