The U.S. military has an adage that says, “Embrace the suck.” What is meant by that, according to the Urban Dictionary, is “to consciously accept or appreciate something that is extremely hard or unpleasant but unavoidable, in order to make forward progress.”
Frank Worthen put it another way, “Leaving homosexuality is not for sissies.” While Frank’s way of putting it is easier on the ears, I think, at least on an emotional level, “Embrace the suck,” is the attitude that is needed to successfully surrender your sexual attractions to God in order to serve Him on His terms. Failure to have this attitude is one of the primary reasons why many men and women give up and go back to their old way of living.
It is a normal human desire to avoid things that cause pain and stress. All of us want things to be easy and comfortable. Sadly, life is not normally easy and comfortable. Life often presents us with two choices, pain with hope or pain without hope.
I ended last month’s newsletter by speaking about trust in God, and how important it is. The Bible is full of verses that speak of not only enduring hardship, but also embracing it as something that is needed in order to mature in Christ. Hebrews 12:5 tells us to endure hardship as discipline, that it is God treating us as His children. James 1:2 tells us to consider it pure joy whenever we face many kinds of trials, for as our faith is tested, it produces perseverance, which produces maturity. Paul tells us in Romans 8:18 that the suffering we face now is nothing compared to glory that will be revealed in us. These are just a few of the scriptures that tell us that things will not be easy for those who choose to follow Jesus. If we do not trust that all things work for the good of those who love God and are called by Him, the likelihood of us being willing to push through difficult times diminishes greatly.
I am of the opinion that emotional immaturity is one of the hallmarks of homosexuality. I believe it is because we did not, for the most part, go through the normal learning process that comes as you interact with your peers and learn what is and is not acceptable. While it might not be true for everyone, it is a very common trait. I know that it was true for me, and it is something that I saw in many of the men who went through the live-in program. What made me notice this in myself was the fact I began to be aware that whenever I thought about myself, I saw myself as a child. Gradually, over the years, as I have worked to overcome my SSA, that internal sense of age has changed, to the point that I now see myself as a man, not a child. I have to admit, however, that I do not see myself as a 67-year-old man; I like to think that I am still in my forties.
Children do not normally handle their emotions well; that is why they have frequent meltdowns when they do not get what they want when they want it. The concept of delayed gratification is foreign to them. You might have heard about the study where children were given a marshmallow and told that if they waited fifteen minutes before eating it, they would be given another one. The majority of kids chose to eat it before the fifteen minutes was up. They have difficulty in completing difficult tasks, often quitting because it is hard. Their feelings are easily hurt, and having a victim mentality is also common.
Before I came to New Hope, I was never able to control my sexual acting out. I would try and try and fail and fail. I allowed my feelings to control me instead of me controlling my feelings. When things got hard, I gave up, because I was not able or willing to do what it took to push through.
Looking back, I now realize that one of the main reasons I responded as I did was because I did not really believe that anything would change, even if I did push through. I did not believe that God would change anything, and I doubted that He even wanted to. Without the hope of success, I did not have the motivation to continue trying to change my behavior. Time and time again, I saw this dynamic at work in the lives of the men who came through the program. Many would leave the program early, being unwilling to do what was required of them. Others would complete the year, but once they left the structure of the program would once more revert to their old lives. I am sure most of us are aware of some of the more prominent individuals who, after living an overcoming life for years, went back to identifying as gay men and women. Thankfully, there are many men and women who have continued to live lives of surrender to Christ and walk in freedom.
Here are some of the principles that I believe will help ensure success in overcoming SSA. Please note that the most important, primary principle is staying connected to Jesus, for He says that unless we abide in Him and He in us, we can do nothing.
When I came into New Hope, I knew that this is where God wanted me to be, so I was committed to finishing out the year, no matter what. As the year went on, and I was asked what my plans were once the year ended, I did not know how to answer. I decided that since God called me here, I would allow Him to decide when it was time for me to leave. Here I am, 28 years later. I have kept to the same course in staying with the Church of the Open Door, which hosted New Hope’s live-in program. The result has been that I continue to be surrounded by people who know me and support me. I have been open and honest with my struggles, allowing them to help me through the difficulties I have experienced. I have often wondered how things would have gone had I left after the first year. My best guess would be, not so good. So, the fir犀利士
st principle is, “Stay Connected.” Remain in the place where God has you, be it in a ministry or church, until He tells you it is time to move.
Next is understanding that what we are trying to do is going to be hard, and there is nothing that we can do about it. It is supposed to be hard. We have to decide if it is worth it or not, and if we do, it is head down and one foot in front of the other until we reach the finish. It will probably be hard for a long time before we get to where we reach a place emotionally and spiritually where things are easier. This is how we grow, and it is the way everyone grows, so we cannot expect to be exempted.
The next principle is one that I have written about in the past, yet it is still worth re-visiting. Perfection in this life is an illusion. We should expect, at some point, to fall short of the goals we set for ourselves. It is part of being human. I have made several very stupid choices over the years, and I had to learn that my failures do not define me. What was important was what I did after I screwed up. What helped me keep going is the realization that change, or more accurately growth, is a process, and the only way I would fail is if I quit and gave up. Being honest, as well as looking at why things turned out as they did and learning from our mistakes, is the way we grow.
The next principle is that of being grateful. The importance of being grateful is one of the most underrated spiritual truths there is. This is not something that we have to do, rather, it is something that we get to do. It is the grace and mercy of God being manifested in our lives. This is no small thing: He is setting us free from a bondage that enslaved us. When we focus on that, and not on how hard it is, we will find the strength to keep going to the end.