In the last post, I made this statement, “One of first things He showed me was I did not want to change, rather, what I wanted was to be changed.” I was asked to explain the difference, and what it looked like as I actually went through the process of changing.
The main difference is that TO change requires action on my part, or perhaps saying that it requires my cooperation is a more accurate way of phrasing it. To BE changed requires neither my action nor my cooperation. What I discovered was, while my desire to change was genuine, what I really was expecting was for God to touch me on the top of my pointed little head and proclaim, “Be thou heterosexual.” I would, from that moment forward, no longer be attracted to men, but to women. I was ignorant of the fact that being attracted sexually to men is really a symptom of a deep-seated brokenness.
While there are common experiences that men who develop SSA share, there are also things that are unique to each individual, so there is no cookie cutter way that addresses everyone’s need. I do believe, however, there are principles or heart attitudes that are critical for those who seek to change their attractions to embrace, if they are to be successful. This is true for anyone who is attempting to change any life-dominating problem, not just SSA. I am going to share what, for me, were the most critical things that I needed to embrace in order to cooperate with God as He worked in my life. While all are important, one in particular is the cornerstone, for it gives the others their power. This is humility.
True humility in the context of the reality of God is understanding who God is and who we are in relation to Him. It is foundational to our relationship, defining every interaction we have with Him. I will come back to this later as I discuss the other principles, as it really is impossible to separate them.
There is another aspect of humility that relates to how we interact with those around us. I have found that most men who struggle with SSA have a distorted understanding of what true humility is. I googled the definition of humility, and here is the one that I think most accurately captures what I need to understand as I follow God in my life. It is this, “Humility is the ability to view yourself accurately as an individual with talents as well as flaws, while being void of arrogance and low self-esteem.”
For most of my life I believed that I did not, indeed was not capable of, measuring up to what a real man was supposed to be. As a result, I would never engage with other men in activities where I would be in competition with them, fearing that doing so would expose my weakness. This sense of not being able to measure up to other men is by far the most common problem with men who deal with SSA. Another way this sense of coming up short is dealt with is to mock and ridicule how other men relate to each other and to the world in general. Athletic men would be labeled “dumb jocks,” others as “Neanderthals.” This allows for a false sense of superiority, telling ourselves that we are too sophisticated and it is beneath us to live as other men do.
As I was waiting to for the live-in program to start, God quickened James 4:6 in me. It says “ …God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” It was something that greatly influenced my choices as I started my first year with New Hope. It was one of the main reasons that I chose to completely submit myself to the de樂威壯
mands of the program. I knew that I had run my life completely into the ground, and giving myself over to the demands of the program could not make it any worse than what it already was. After years of being used to not having to answer to anyone about how I lived my life, I found myself having to get permission to do even the most mundane things. I can’t tell you how many times God used the other men in the program to speak hard truth to me. A lot of times this truth was given to me by someone who was six inches from my face and screaming at me. Every time this happened, I was forced to make a choice as to how I was going to respond. It was not easy to separate the message from the messenger, and I did not always respond well.
Those in leadership were faithful to also point out to me areas in which I fell short. These were things that I really was not aware of and honestly did not want to face. Once they were pointed out to me, I was forced to choose how I would respond.
This brings me to the second principle that we need to embrace in order to grow, and while it might seem to be obvious, for many dealing with SSA, it can be a hard thing to do. It is trusting God. I found that there is a huge difference between believing in God and trusting Him. My understanding of who God is, and what His intentions for me were, had been skewered by my upbringing. I viewed God as someone who demanded that I do things that were impossible for me to do, and yet when I failed, would punish me for that failure. It was a view that was, emotionally, deeply ingrained in me. This is one of the things that was pointed out to me by my house leader in the program, when he told me, “God is not like your mom.” Again, I was faced with a choice as to how to respond. I had to ask myself, “If God is not like my mom, then who is He?” The answer is simple, He is who He says He is.
This takes us back to the first definition of humility, understanding who God is and who we are in relationship to Him. Here is the thought process that I went through, and while I can say it in just a few sentences, it really has been one of the hardest things for me to do, and it is still an ongoing process.
If God is who He says He is, what does He say about Himself? He says that He is love, that He is gracious, compassionate, patient, forgiving. That He is loyal and will never forsake me. Because He is all of these things, I can and should trust Him when He says He will make all things work out for my good.
Trust is a choice, and I decided to trust Him, even when everything in me was screaming, “Don’t do it.” Without trust, you can’t obey God; unless you obey God, you will not reap the rewards that come from doing so. Once you begin, it becomes easier to trust Him, because He shows that he really is who He says He is.