New Hope Ministries ministers to a pretty eclectic group; there are parents and other family members who have loved ones who are gay. There are several pastors and other church leaders. A good portion are men and women (mostly men) who themselves deal with SSA. Some have pretty much gotten their attractions under control, and others are still struggling to reach that place. This month’s newsletter, and the next ones in this series, is for them.
I am in contact with several men who are in various stages in their journey out of a life that is dominated by SSA. As I talk with them, I frequently find myself using what God has done in my life to encourage them in their struggle. While each person’s experience is unique, insofar as where they are and what specific issues they are dealing with now, there are principles, both spiritual and psychological, that are applicable to anyone seeking to overcome a dominating life issue.
I like to use the following analogy to help people understand how God often works as He brings about the changes that He and they both want. I ask them to view who they are as a house that they have constructed over the course of their life. When we decide to turn from our old way of living and come to God, we bring this house we have built with us, we acknowledge that it needs “remodeling,” and we ask God to begin the needed repairs.
If you have ever done any remodeling yourself, you know the first step is the tearing down of the old structure to make room for what is going to replace it. It’s called “demo,” short for demolition, by contractors who do this type of work. In everyday life, demo can be a lot of fun. I have done it several times, and there is just something about taking a sledgehammer to something and pulverizing it that I find very satisfying. However, when it is applied to someone’s life, that is a different story. It is at this stage of the process of change that many begin to have second thoughts, and either “cancel” the project completely or drastically scale back what they will allow God to do.
When I came into the live-in program at New Hope, I was at the lowest point in my life, both emotionally and spiritually, that I had ever been. I knew that I was a wreck and desperately wanted things to change. I had upended my life to come to New Hope and so had everyone else who was part of my program year. My attitude was, “Just tell me what you want me do, and I’ll do it, no questions asked.” I was amazed to find that not everyone had the same attitude that I did. Once the program started, and they began to see what was being required of them, they began to balk. Some began to question if things were really that bad, wondering whether maybe all that was really needed to make things right was a fresh coat of paint, or just patching a few holes, and all would be good. The problem with thinking like that is that it does not acknowledge the fact that God wants to “build” us into a temple for His presence, and anything that He has not built is not fit for that purpose.
That is the first lesson we need to learn: what we want God to do and what He wants to do oftentimes are radically different. We tend to focus on how we can be comfortable here in this life, and His focus is on eternity. This speaks to our motivation. Why we do something is often as important as what we do.
As I said, when I came to New Hope, it was really a decision born out of desperation. I had prayed for years that God would take away my desires, yet nothing changed. Indeed, things only got worse. While I was sincere in wanting to change, my expectations as to how that would happen were based ignorance on what the root causes of SSA are. One of first things He showed me was I did not want to change, rather, what I wanted was to be changed. I wanted God to come in and deliver me from my attractions. When it became clear that was not what was going to happen, I had a choice to make. Was I willing to allow God to do what needed to be done? I remember the night I told God, “Whatever needs to be done, do it, just give me the grace to see it through.” It was at that point that God really started to work.
Revelation about our lives is part of that work. I think one of the most common misconceptions about people who deal with SSA is that we “became” gay when we entered puberty. The reality is that puberty was when what was already there became visible. As I always say, being same sex attracted is not the problem, and that there is more to being “gay” than the sexual aspect. The root issue is how we view ourselves in relation to others of our same gender. Every man I have ever met who deals with SSA has said, “I cannot remember a time that I did not feel different from other males.” Usually “different” is defined as “less than” other males. That sense of difference influenced how we related to our peers. This caused us to withdraw, at least emotionally, from the normal social interactions common to our gender from an early age. For example, that meant most of us did not play sports, and as a result missed out on the comradery that comes from being part of a team. The early years before puberty normally are a time of learning how we compare to others through being around our peers. We come to understand that while we are different, there is more that we have in common. Our sense of who we are is developed over the course of many years, so it should not come as a surprise that changing that sense will also take years. Thus, leaving homosexuality is a process, and we need to recognize that and be comfortable with it, because it is not going to be any other way. To return to the analogy of being a house, I believe that going through this process is what 必利勁
is required to lay a strong foundation. The reality of life in Christ is that whatever is built will be tested, and if the foundation is not laid well, the house will not stand the test.