Identity
by Frank Worthen
Many of us have no idea how our identity was formed. Often we believe the message of the gay community that we were born gay. As we look back, it would seem that we were always gay. Most of us can remember same-sex attractions in our earliest years. If we are open to other viewpoints, we may find that these attractions were simply the longings of an isolated boy for friendship and not sexual at that point. There was a point in our life (puberty) that we became sexual individuals. What was the focus of our desires at that time became sexualized.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT: Somehow, there is truth in this statement. We are attracted to people who are opposite or different from what we are. We attempt to fill in the missing pieces; what we don’t possess, we seek in others. The “normal” boy gets as much attention and affirmation from other boys as he needs, and he is not longing for additional male friendship. When puberty arrives, he desires what he has not had; that is, attention and affirmation from the opposite sex. To the isolated boy, his viewpoint is to some degree opposite. Insecure in his maleness, he idealizes other boys. He has fantasies about close relationships with the attractive boys at school. He wants to be like them, to be included in their circle of friends and to be affirmed by them. In his fantasy world this happens, but in the real world he is left out of the circle and feels rejected and unvalued. His own sex then remains that which is opposite.
SHELTER AND DEFENSE: The gay lifestyle seemingly offers inclusion, shelter and defense. If someone declares himself gay, he will immediately have others who will affirm his decision and help him celebrate his new identity. In most schools there is a group of outcasts who find ways of affirming each other. Perhaps they meet in a theater class, or the library when others are on the playing field, but regardless of how they meet, they quickly recognize they have something in common. They are excluded.
ABUSE: Most gay people have suffered rejection in the form of name calling. Probably some had no idea what the names meant at the time, but later learned they were being called gay. There are many emotions that rise to the surface when we are ridiculed. Along with anger there is deep humiliation. If we had low self-esteem before, it now has been verified. We begin to internalize the labels people place on us. If those who have so labeled us are the objects of our desires, or are people who are very significant in our lives (father, pastor, teachers etc.) we will come to believe that they are right, that they know what they are talking about. We must indeed be gay. At times, anger will cause us to flaunt our gayness by wearing clothes identified with the gay lifestyle or otherwise indicating our acceptance of the gay lifestyle.
FALSE INCLUSION: The discovery of the gay lifestyle often brings great elation and enthusiasm. It can seem to someone that they have found their lost brotherhood and, more importantly, their identity. Here are people who understand the hurts and wounds of your past. Here are people who accept you, who include you. This euphoria lasts but a short time. The reality is that the gay world is far more rejecting than the straight world. Most gays have very exacting standards for those they choose to relate to. If you do not measure up physically to these standards, you will be relegated to a life of being used for others’ pleasure. When you try to find equality with the users, you will be rebuffed and told you are not in their class. In time you will accept your station in life. Even if you do get accepted in the users group, your time will be limited and, as youth fades, so will your membership in the elite class.
IS ALL GAY LIFE LIKE THIS? No, this doesn’t apply to everyone, but the chances are very likely that even if you have been in the lifestyle only a short time, you are already acquainted with rejection within the lifestyle. Gay to gay rejection is far more intense than straight to gay. The gay world needs to take its own medicine-sensitivity training.
HONESTY: In our confusion over who we are, we often believe that to discontinue calling ourselves “gay” is to be dishonest. But is “gay” an identity? Are we not far more than just our sexual attraction? Labels are very significant, both the labels of others and our self-labels. Karl Menninger had this to say about labels: “People can recover from the symptoms of mental illness, but they don’t recover from a label.” In Christ we can do all things and we certainly can overcome a label, but labels are extremely difficult to change; they have a way of sneaking back and challenging us. There are many arguments over the issue of identity but, to be sure, what we call ourselves means defining who we are, and this makes change very difficult. It is helpful to look at how God sees us. What is His label for us?
First, let’s look at a quote from “The Broken Image” (Leanne Payne): “The fallen self cannot know itself. As we have seen, we do not know who we are and will search for our identity in someone or something other than God until we find ourselves in Him. And it is only in Him that we become persons.” Somehow, someway, we must accept what God says about us; it is the way to a new life. The Bible confirms that we belong to Him:
“The Spirit Himself thus testifies together with our own spirit, assuring us that we are children of God.” (Rom. 8:16)
The label “Christian” provides us with all we need as an identity. The world may be less accepting of “Christian” than it is of “gay,” but this label will bring us supernatural power to change our lives. You, therefore, are a Christian. A Christian with problems perhaps, but a Christian nevertheless. All Christians have problems; you may think your biggest problem is homosexuality, but that in reality may not be the case. Most people have a number one problem and it is self-centeredness. “I am a Christian with a problem” is far more honest than saying “I am gay.”
There are many Scriptures that concern themselves with verbal expression. We know that salvation comes through confessing our faith verbally, but we also know that speaking can get us into a lot of trouble. “Do not allow your mouth to cause your body to sin” (Ecc. 5:6) and again in Matthew 12:37 “By your words you will be justified and acquitted and by your words you will be condemned and sentenced.” Words are powerful. They can establish our identity and can also block any change in that identity.
GIVE GOD A CHANCE: God can do the impossible – we only have to believe that he can do it. Gay men and women are changing all the time; it is nothing new. Accept your new identity in Christ. Let go of old unrewarding identities. Become a new creation in Christ. “Know the truth (Christ) and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)
FEAR OF LOSS OF IDENTITY: The fear of losing your old identity is real. Most struggled long and hard before accepting the gay identity, and now fear losing the only identity they had. The gay life does not lead to eternal life, but life with Christ does. Establishing a new identity may be as difficult as accepting the gay identity was, but the new identity will bring eternal rewards. There is a peace and a joy being in the center of God’s will that defies description. God has a better plan for your life. Trust Him and you will never regret it!
“Do not remember the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it, and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:18,19)